Amazing True Stories

Man Killed By Rats

This story was reported on a radio station in Fremantle Western Australia and later investigated by a student reporter from Perth, it hasn't been published until now.

THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE FREMANTLE IS IN PERTH!!1! AND PERTH IS FUNNY!

The radio report transcribes as follows: "A man in his early thirties died in hospital today after being discovered in his downtown Antique restoration workshop suffering from severe groin injuries. He was barely conscious after an apparent accident when paramedics rushed him to Fremantle Royal Infirmary where he died of his injuries."

THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE "SEVERE GROIN INJURIES"!!!1!

Cub reporter Angeline MacKenzie later discovered that the man Bruce Coltrane, had been found by his wife after she had heard cries of agony coming from the workshop. The temperature on that day was well into the 40's - Coltrane was enjoying an ice cold Coca Cola.

THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE 40 IS ACTUALLY QUITE COLD!!1!!1!!

MacKenzie believes that the man became aroused by the heat and possibly boredom and started to masturbate.

I'M HOT AND BORED RIGHT NOW, IKYWMW!!1!

During his session he decided to experiment with self-piercing by hammering thin nails into his foreskin.

AS YOU DO!

He apparently slipped and missed the nail hitting the gland of his penis with the 2 pound hammer splitting it wide open.

HAW HAW C00TER!11! HE HIT HIS PEANUS WITH A HAMMER!1!!

In the shock of what he had done he reached for the Coke and poured the cooling liquid on to his bleeding member whilst staggering towards the phone.

And let me tell you, that takes COORDINATION to do both of those things at the same time! OR SO I'VE HEARD!

What happened next defies believe.

I BELIEVE IT!

Coltrane's pain was so extreme that he passed out and fell to the floor,

What a GURL! He must of been from N00 Y01K OR SUMMINK!

It's understood that he woke several hours later to discover to his horror that not only his penis but his scrotum and testicles completely missing.

I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!!1

The investigation revealed that the blood and sugary drink had attracted rats which had proceeded to feast on the unconscious mans exposed genitalia even delving into the soft flesh of his intestine only stopping when he came round. Bleeding profusely he cried for help and later died from shock and loss of blood. Nasty.

THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE ALL MEN WORKSHIP THERE PEANUSSES AND HE GOT HIS PEANUSE EATEN OFF BY RATS!11!! HOW'S THAT FOR A HEADJOB!1!

UPDATE: Police now believe that the rats which ate Mr Coltrane's peanus and testerkals were actually baby lobsters dressed up in rat suits. ---===<<<ooo000OOO000ooo>>>===---

Amazing but TRUE

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