Amazing True Stories

Men Take Pet Lobster Emu Hunting

Alice Springs, Austria (APA)

January 15, 2001

by Cub Reporter Layla Johnson

Alice Springs man Frederick Burrage and his hunting partner Brett Luland were found dead today at a popular hunting and fishing lake near Uluru. Police have managed to reconstruct the events using exhaustive forensic evidence.

Mr Burrage had recently purchased a Jeep Grand Cherokee Overland with High-Output 4.7L Power Tech V8 for AU$73,000 from Darwin Chrysler dealer James Cartmel. Mr Cartmel said that Mr Burrage was "chuffed" with his new purchase, and couldn't wait to "head back to the Alice and do a bit of emu hunting".

Police Senior Constable Tony Martin from Alice Springs Regional Command said that after returning to Alice Springs, Mr Burrage went to the home of his friend Mr Luland to show him the new vehicle and see if he wanted to go hunting that weekend. Naturally Mr Luland agreed as there were huge flocks of emus migrating to their wintering spots near Perth, Western Australia. They loaded the Jeep with their guns, beer, and Luland's pet Lobster Retriever, Blacky.

Unfortunately for Burrage and Luland, nearby Lake Eyre was totally frozen over, this being the dead of winter. They drove out onto the ice and set up their camp. They soon realised that the migrating emus wouldn't land on the frozen lake, so they decided to cut a hole in the ice to make a place for the aquatic birds to land.

They could soon see that it would take far too long to cut the hole using the ice picks they had brought. Mr Luland then revealed that he had brought a case of gelignite with him. The two men, desperate to get some hunting action, came up with the plan of blowing a hole in the ice with the explosives. Afraid of slipping over while running away from the gelignite, Mr Burrage suggested that they throw the explosives as far as they could from the vehicle rather than placing it on the ice and lighting the fuse.

Mr Burrage lit the 30 second fuse and heaved the gelignite as far as he could onto the ice. The men were surprised to notice that Mr Luland's highly trained Lobster Retriever, Blacky, shot out onto the ice in pursuit of the dynamite. Mr Luland whistled for his lobster to return, afraid the valuable animal could be injured. Unluckily, Blacky had just picked up the gelignite, and hearing his master's whistle, turned adroitly on the slippery surface and started to scuttle back towards the men and the vehicle.

Fearing that the lobster would bring the bomb straight back to them, they shouted, yelled, screamed and waved at Blacky to go away. Not being the brightest of lobsters, this encouraged Blacky to scurry even faster towards the camp. Mr Burrage quickly grabbed his double-barrelled shotgun from his shoulder holster and saying "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do", gave the member of the family Homaridae both barrels. In yet another twist of ill-fate, Burrage had loaded his gun with birdshot, expecting to be shooting emus. The tiny pellets ricocheted harmlessly off the lobster's armoured carapace, but Blacky, being an experienced Hunting Lobster, knew that being shot at was not good.

Frightened by this turn of events, the lobster goose-stepped and jinked to avoid further blasts from Burrage's shotgun. Moving slicker than Alfy Langer dipped in lard and slicing through the New South Wales forward pack in the final game of a State of Origin series, Blacky skittered directly under Burrage's truck to hide.

The gelignite then explodiated with a shattering "BOOOOOOMMM!!!", with the bulk of the Jeep focussing the blast directly downwards like an improvised shaped charge, smashing a huge hole through the ice. The four wheel drive hung suspended in mid air for a few microseconds before the inexorable force of gravity dragged it down. The vehicle then sunk into the frigid depths of the loch where it remains to this day in the icy clutches of NGURVILU, God of Lakes. The two men stood there dumbfounded and not believing their misfortune.

Reality then set in for the two intrepid hunters. They were stuck in the frosty tundra near Uluru, and nobody would notice they were missing for at least a few days, as they had been known to go on extended hunting trips together to temporarily escape the venom of their harridan wives. The only camping gear they had which was not at the bottom of the frozen lake was a K-Mart sleeping bag. They looked at the bag, looked at each other, shrugged, and climbed in.

Falling asleep quickly, the men awaited rescue from the Royal Austrian Mounted Police. They probably would have gotten away with it too, if not for the angry crustacean prowling beneath the ice. You see, Blacky being equipped with extremely strong armour thanks to zillions of years of evolution, had survived the explosion and the plunge into the icy waters. He used his infrared heat detectors which Luland had had installed at the Hunting Lobster Upgrade Shop in Adelaide, to locate the heat signature of the hapless hunters.

Using his hole saw attachment to bore through the ice, Blacky the lobster emerged chilled but burning with the rage of betrayal near the sleeping bag. Being poikilothermic, he moved ever so slowly, step by frozen step, closer and closer to the bag. Locating the opening to the sleeping bag using his sonar range finding computer, he crept inside the bag to raise his body temperature.

Once his body had warmed sufficiently, Blacky the carnivorous crustacean then proceeded to feast on first Burrage's, then Luland's peanus. It wasn't much of a banquet, as the men could not be considered well-endowed by any stretch of the imagination, as is the hereditary misfortune of the Burrage and Luland clans the world over.

Messrs Luland and Burrage rapidly succumbed to hypothermia and blood loss before shuffling off this mortal coil. Eventually, Burrage's wife Darla notified the Royal Austrian Mounted Police (RAMP), who bounced forth on their genetically-engineered kangaroos in search of the men. The normally stoic RAMP troopers puked their guts up at the sight of the grisly remains. They captured the lobster alive after a shootout and siege which lasted three days until the crustacean's ammunition finally ran out.

When this reporter visited the grieving widows, Darla Burrage and Tamara Luland, many of their friends were visiting and whispering quietly to the bereft women. I noted how heart-warming it was that so many people were offering their condolences. Mrs Burrage replied "Oh they're not offering condolences, they want to borrow Blacky for their husbands to take hunting!". I then noticed that Blacky the plucky crustacean had his left claw missing. Wondering if he had lost it in the explosion on the lake, I asked Tamara why the lobster only had one claw. She answered, "Well with a lobster this good, you don't eat it all at once!".

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Amazing but TRUE

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