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Amazing True Stories

Baby Lobsters Implicated In Truck Crash

Rat poison threat to seals and dolphins

Date: 24/05/2001

A trailer packed with rat poison plunged into the sea yesterday and threatened one of the world's most famous feeding grounds for dolphins, seals and whales.

Whales: the rats of the sea.

Eighteen tonnes of the poison fell into the sea after a truck crashed on the coastal highway and spilled the trailer it was towing into the water off Kaikoura on New Zealand's South Island.

Yes, it "crashed". No suspicious plankton were found at the scene of the "crash".

Kaikoura is one of the few places in the world where whales can be seen feeding near the shore throughout the year. It is home to large colonies of dolphins and seals, and attracts tourists from around the world.

The driver said "I'm sick of those fat plankton-murdering whale BASTARDS exterminating jillions of fluffy cute fuzzy plankton every day! Let this be a lesson to the whales! They can take away some of our planktonic comrades, but they can't take away... OUR FREEDOM!".

Public health protection officer Paul Schoolderman said the poison - brodifacoum pellets - would not immediately kill sea creatures because it was a slow release kind.

He went on to say that unless the obese cetacean maniacs immediately release all of our little planktonic buddies being held in captivity, next time the truck will be carrying a much more dangerous poison like arsenic, cyanide, or bleach mixed with ammonia.

Although it posed a threat to marine life it was not dangerous to humans. Local fishermen were warned not to lift lobster pots or nets in the area, because the spill drifted into waters off the coast.

Baby lobsters have been eating the rat poison and are believed to now have the following super-powers: flying, jumping, x-ray vision, toilet swimming, stealthy like a ninja, and peanus eating.

Police were horrified when they pulled the truck driver's corpse from the ruined vehicle when they noticed that the man's peanus had been EATEN OFF BY BABY LOBSTERS! Detective Inspector Bob McRipple said that in his thirty years of policing he had never seen anything so disgusting. "My best officers were projectile vomiting like those fountains at that Las Vegas casino. And these are people who routinely bite the heads off kittens just for fun!"

Amazing but TRUE

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Copyright 2002 Beable van Polasm
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