Amazing True Stories
Men Take Pet Lobster Emu Hunting
Alice Springs, Austria (APA)
January 15, 2001
by Cub Reporter Layla Johnson
Alice Springs man Frederick Burrage and his hunting partner Brett
Luland were found dead today at a popular hunting and fishing lake
near Uluru. Police have managed to reconstruct the events using
exhaustive forensic evidence.
Mr Burrage had recently purchased a Jeep Grand Cherokee Overland with
High-Output 4.7L Power Tech V8 for AU$73,000 from Darwin Chrysler dealer
James Cartmel. Mr Cartmel said that Mr Burrage was "chuffed" with his
new purchase, and couldn't wait to "head back to the Alice and do a
bit of emu hunting".
Police Senior Constable Tony Martin from Alice Springs Regional
Command said that after returning to Alice Springs, Mr Burrage went to
the home of his friend Mr Luland to show him the new vehicle and see
if he wanted to go hunting that weekend. Naturally Mr Luland agreed as
there were huge flocks of emus migrating to their wintering spots near
Perth, Western Australia. They loaded the Jeep with their guns, beer,
and Luland's pet Lobster Retriever, Blacky.
Unfortunately for Burrage and Luland, nearby Lake Eyre was totally
frozen over, this being the dead of winter. They drove out onto the
ice and set up their camp. They soon realised that the migrating emus
wouldn't land on the frozen lake, so they decided to cut a hole in the
ice to make a place for the aquatic birds to land.
They could soon see that it would take far too long to cut the hole
using the ice picks they had brought. Mr Luland then revealed that he
had brought a case of gelignite with him. The two men, desperate to
get some hunting action, came up with the plan of blowing a hole in
the ice with the explosives. Afraid of slipping over while running
away from the gelignite, Mr Burrage suggested that they throw the
explosives as far as they could from the vehicle rather than placing
it on the ice and lighting the fuse.
Mr Burrage lit the 30 second fuse and heaved the gelignite as far as
he could onto the ice. The men were surprised to notice that Mr
Luland's highly trained Lobster Retriever, Blacky, shot out onto the
ice in pursuit of the dynamite. Mr Luland whistled for his lobster to
return, afraid the valuable animal could be injured. Unluckily, Blacky
had just picked up the gelignite, and hearing his master's whistle,
turned adroitly on the slippery surface and started to scuttle back
towards the men and the vehicle.
Fearing that the lobster would bring the bomb straight back to them,
they shouted, yelled, screamed and waved at Blacky to go away. Not
being the brightest of lobsters, this encouraged Blacky to scurry even
faster towards the camp. Mr Burrage quickly grabbed his
double-barrelled shotgun from his shoulder holster and saying "A man's
gotta do what a man's gotta do", gave the member of the family
Homaridae both barrels. In yet another twist of ill-fate, Burrage had
loaded his gun with birdshot, expecting to be shooting emus. The tiny
pellets ricocheted harmlessly off the lobster's armoured carapace, but
Blacky, being an experienced Hunting Lobster, knew that being shot at
was not good.
Frightened by this turn of events, the lobster goose-stepped and
jinked to avoid further blasts from Burrage's shotgun. Moving slicker
than Alfy Langer dipped in lard and slicing through the New South
Wales forward pack in the final game of a State of Origin series,
Blacky skittered directly under Burrage's truck to hide.
The gelignite then explodiated with a shattering "BOOOOOOMMM!!!", with
the bulk of the Jeep focussing the blast directly downwards like an
improvised shaped charge, smashing a huge hole through the ice. The
four wheel drive hung suspended in mid air for a few microseconds
before the inexorable force of gravity dragged it down. The vehicle
then sunk into the frigid depths of the loch where it remains to this
day in the icy clutches of NGURVILU, God of Lakes. The two men stood
there dumbfounded and not believing their misfortune.
Reality then set in for the two intrepid hunters. They were stuck in
the frosty tundra near Uluru, and nobody would notice they were
missing for at least a few days, as they had been known to go on
extended hunting trips together to temporarily escape the venom of
their harridan wives. The only camping gear they had which was not at
the bottom of the frozen lake was a K-Mart sleeping bag. They looked
at the bag, looked at each other, shrugged, and climbed in.
Falling asleep quickly, the men awaited rescue from the Royal Austrian
Mounted Police. They probably would have gotten away with it too, if
not for the angry crustacean prowling beneath the ice. You see, Blacky
being equipped with extremely strong armour thanks to zillions of
years of evolution, had survived the explosion and the plunge into the
icy waters. He used his infrared heat detectors which Luland had had
installed at the Hunting Lobster Upgrade Shop in Adelaide, to locate
the heat signature of the hapless hunters.
Using his hole saw attachment to bore through the ice, Blacky the
lobster emerged chilled but burning with the rage of betrayal near the
sleeping bag. Being poikilothermic, he moved ever so slowly, step by
frozen step, closer and closer to the bag. Locating the opening to the
sleeping bag using his sonar range finding computer, he crept inside
the bag to raise his body temperature.
Once his body had warmed sufficiently, Blacky the carnivorous
crustacean then proceeded to feast on first Burrage's, then Luland's
peanus. It wasn't much of a banquet, as the men could not be
considered well-endowed by any stretch of the imagination, as is the
hereditary misfortune of the Burrage and Luland clans the world over.
Messrs Luland and Burrage rapidly succumbed to hypothermia and blood
loss before shuffling off this mortal coil. Eventually, Burrage's wife
Darla notified the Royal Austrian Mounted Police (RAMP), who bounced
forth on their genetically-engineered kangaroos in search of the
men. The normally stoic RAMP troopers puked their guts up at the sight
of the grisly remains. They captured the lobster alive after a
shootout and siege which lasted three days until the crustacean's
ammunition finally ran out.
When this reporter visited the grieving widows, Darla Burrage and
Tamara Luland, many of their friends were visiting and whispering
quietly to the bereft women. I noted how heart-warming it was that
so many people were offering their condolences. Mrs Burrage replied
"Oh they're not offering condolences, they want to borrow Blacky
for their husbands to take hunting!". I then noticed that Blacky
the plucky crustacean had his left claw missing. Wondering if
he had lost it in the explosion on the lake, I asked Tamara why the
lobster only had one claw. She answered, "Well with a lobster this
good, you don't eat it all at once!".
Amazing but TRUE
Find out where Blacky is today!!!!
Please address your message to Tamara and Darla.
I can't afford my own guestbook, so
somebody else's guestbook!
Copyright 2002 Beable van Polasm
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