Amazing True Stories

Mother and Son killed by Baby Lobsters

My friend's younger brother went out with a woman last week. He still lives at home and so it was a big deal for him.

He should get his own pad, and fill it up with inflatable furniture. Like the stuff that Kibo said is "No good" when Nick wanted to buy some, but later Kibo bought a WHOLE BUNCH of inflatable stuff for himself.

His mother was dead against him going out that evening because he had an interview for a new job first thing in the morning. However, he went out promising that he would be back early.

You should listen to your mother.

He and the woman went out for a drink, danced a bit at a local club

STOP TALKING ABOUT DANCING! SOME PEOPLE HAVE NO LEGS!!11

and she invited him back for "coffee."

"Coffee" is a new brand of coffee made out of belly-button fluff.

After the usual drinking "coffee" and listening to Motown, they ended up in bed for a bit of horizontal jogging.

FNARR FNARR!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, they both have a fantastic time. Raunchy, filthy sex. However, it's now about three am so his brother says "I have to go home because I've gotta work in the morning."

Which was A LIE! He actually had a JOB INTERVIEW in the morning. REMEMBER THAT! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL LIES TO A WOMAN THAT YOU JUST DID JIGGY-JIG WITH!

The woman takes him to the front door of her flat and as they're walking through the main room, she sees her knickers lying on the floor. "Here," she says giving them to him, "take these to remind you of me."

Chyx ALWAYS do that. You should make sure that you've got LOTS OF POCKETS before going out with a chyk, so that you will have plenty of room to carry all the panties home.

He stuffs them in his pocket and leaves, promising to phone.

WHICH WAS PROBABLY ANOTHER LIE!

He wakes up at 7 am in the morning feeling like shit. However, he's got the normal morning stiffy.

As you do.

He starts thinking of the night before and becomes even more 'inflamed'.

As you do!

Then he remembers the woman's knickers in his pocket. He takes them out and sniffs them.

AS YOU DO!

The memories flood back. So, he's certainly going to have a quick hand job at this moment but wants to have both hands free. So he puts the knickers over his head so that the gusset is over his nose. This obscures his eyes but he continues. But then he thinks it would be better if he had some music, so he put his Walkman on playing BROWN SUGAR really loud and has a pretty satisfactory hand job, and it feels all wet and messy "down there". After a short rest, he takes the knickers off his head so he can find the kleenex. However, he sees a cup of coffee and two slices of toast on his bed side table. His mother has come in and brought him his breakfast so he won't miss his important interview. Then he notices that his peanus is covered in BLOOD and BLOOD is spurting out from a little red veiny thing that looked completely normal just before! He dipped his peanus into the coffee thinking that the heat might cauterise the wound, but it kept bleeding! He got the two pieces of toast and tried to use them as a bandage, but it was still bleeding! He raced into the toilet to get some toilet paper, stepping over the body of his mother lying dead on the floor. As he was reaching for the roll of toilet paper, he noticed that the toilet bowl was full of baby lobsters! They were attracted by the strawberry jam on his peanus and leapt out of the toilet bowl and ATE HIS PEANUS! Then most of the baby lobsters hid in his buttcrack while one baby lobster dialed Nine One One and then the medics came and they took him and his mother to the morgue and put them on slabs because they were both dead, he was dead because of baby lobsters ate his peanus and his mother was dead because of she had lots of baby lobsters coming out of her twat from where she was masturbating with a lobster and then a night-shift morgue worker came in and he had just had surgery to get a replacement peanus after his previous peanus was eaten by baby lobsters and he wanted to do some necrophilia but he didn't go for the mother because of what happened last time so he rolled over the son and did some necro-sodomy and the baby lobsters hiding in the son's buttcrack ATE HIS PEANUS OFF!!1! AGAIN!

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Amazing but TRUE

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